Love

my source

Meh KOhoN Hoo?
Who AM I?

¿ QUE PASO ?

AMEERA. 1995.
THE HUMAN CONNECTION
MISS THC .

The Human Connection is what i’ve Birthed out of all this Hurt, Pain and Suicidal ideation.

This is my Living Portfolio where I bring fourth of all this that has Lived Deep inside of me and that which my Spirit has Fought for.

Here I am co-creating with the Divine. Remembering The Bigger Picture.
Birthing up God’s Love. These Projects.
Por La Gente. For Love. Por Amor.

ALCHEMISING the Suffering & BEING A VESSEL OF CREATION.

Letting GOD’S WORD fLOW THROUGH me.

LETTING LOVE BE A TESTAMENT

This is my Resistance. I will not hide in Silence anymore. I will Live for This. I will Die for this.

PRAYER

Here I Am. There I was, having to Flee. Stuck in a Time Vortex in different lands, different ground under my feet. Frozen. A nuclear Bomb let Rip and stripped me Thin, in the process. I Still can’t Find my Hands. My home in Self, I’ve Lost my Eyes.

Please Universe, open your Doors to bring Stillness to my Demons. This Plaguing Darkness has chased me down my Roads of Age. This pain has chased me through Each and every Smile that has left my Mouth, despite the Strength of Love of my People, despite the Beauty of Raw Humanness which exists in Each and Everyone I have Encountered. Despite the Mass Miracles I’ve met at my Feet and my Forehead, Despite what my eyes have witnessed through the Beauty that is Creation in Nature, how I’ve been stopped in my tracks from that which has been breathtaking, in its Flowers, the Birds, it’s Waters, the Night, the vastness of the Stars, the Galaxies and of course the deep Magical Underbelly and Sky of existence: where the realms of pleasure are merely but a Playground. And your Curiosity can run as far as your Imagination dares to. This rich life where our Grandmothers once existed. The Ones who taught us of Dreams and to Dream.

Despite witnessing Spirit, and being a Warrior of Love and having this weaved inside the most innermost parts of me. Love, my super Power. Despite it. Despite Love being Eternal and Infinite. Despite it showing up, over and over. I have been fighting a Fight with Life, which I find difficulty in continuing. I Grapple with my Physical Life on the Boxing Ground on an hourly basis. This daily weight of emotions and thoughts, I launder and maul, trying to better them. Bringing kindness to harsh places. But most days I topple, the Depression and Suicidal Obsession takes over. I have dragged love, and bought flowers, to this warground wherever I am able to. I have danced, and flirted with Life at the Altar, time and time again. Waking the Dead yet nothing is Shifting. My eyes are black.

Dear God/ Ama/Love/Universe, let there be an Opening. I beg you.

I want to breathe and live this life of fullness, of righteousness and justice.

Let me fulfill what you put me here for.

SEEDS

Trials and Tribulations in Life are part of our Human Experience. It happens to all of Us. It’s part of Us. It’s how Nature works. But when they come, oh Lord can they wipe us Out.

Losing People to Death, Losing Friendships, Breakups, Financial Strains, Childhood Abuse, Maritial Violence, Relationship Abuse, Physical Abuse, Estrangement, Losing a Job, Health fucking issues, Sexual Abuse, Getting an Education, Trying to figure out what the fuck we are all here for.

These things can leave you Hollow. Harrowed out, like a Giant Void.

The World Continues Though. Minute by Minute, Hour by Hour, Day by Day. Whilst inside of you there’s a War in arms. Outside of you, the World continues, Jobs, Relationships, Homes, Marriages, People moving onward. You : not being able to leave your bed. You Struggling with the Job. With maintaining Friendships, any form of relationship…

Rarely do we Speak about, and nor are the Systems i’ve lived in been Equipped to handle the Magnitude of the Pain in Existing. The hardships of Humanity, that which we as Humans experience through our Lifetime. Experiences like Depression, Grief, Stuck in a Frozen Loop, Anxiety can leave us crippled and not many of us know how to Manage it well. We try.

Noone gives you a Manual on

‘How to do this Life’ thing.

Through my 23 years of Abuse, living in what I now understand recognise as CULT, living in Isolation, and coming out into a World that was TOTALLY DIFFERENT, to the One I was HIDDEN IN. I came out severely confused, at loss, and struggling to Grasp my Reality. I feel like life has been a constant horror comedy show, where things just kept getting more worse. I have been starved, abused emotionally, psychologically, physically, religiously and lived pretty much isolated from the Outside World, hidden in a room for the most part of 21 years, with only School to go to and come from. Hidden under strict rules and regulations, through which Fear was used as a Control for Abuse, and the fear of being killed daily was a constant. Everything was protected by the family in the name of ‘Respect’, ‘What happens at home, stays at Home’, and the fear was rampant. You couldn’t dare tell anyone. I saw things, and knew things that no child, adult, or person should ever have to live through.

During this time living at Home, too many members of my Family died to ongoing health issues, this number has only increased since i’ve left, and I have become familiar with Death and the Hospital, so much so, that the hospital became our 2nd Home. I myself also have suffered physically at the hands of chronic Health issues which have made my life quality significantly low, and made everything feel like it was pointless. Living with illness is torturous. Your vessel in which you Exist through is in pain constantly, and if everything else is shit. I mean it can literally feel like you’re in hell.

I have struggled with Suicidal Ideation for over 10+ years, and a Depression that feels it will never leave. Over and Over I have battled with trying to Find Something that makes it make Sense. But over and over, despite the fight being constant, despite having to leave everything behind over and over, despite doing all the things, fighting, fighting to exist, fighting for the feelings to go. It has remained. I battle with Suicidal ideation on an hourly basis. The pain and endless void overwhelms my system, and I feel stupid for having even tried to fight to begin with. I pray, I beg, I ask God to take me. I fight at the alter. I fight. I do all the things. I do the things they say that helps. Diet. Nutrition. Excercise. Stretching. H20. Air. Full Time Job. Having friendships. I love. I pay my rent. I do it all. I struggle.

2 Years ago my Family Came for me. I completely Froze then Fled the Country.
I thought I was going to have Acid thrown on me or I was going to killed in the Name of Respect.

The Stalking and Obsession had taken a new Level, and a Family member moved into the Country and City I was living in. Despite having thought I would've been killed on a daily basis, having left everything behind, I thought I was safe. Thought moving to another country and starting over, would at least put me in a safe stable place, where noone could come in through my Door. I was foolish

They came for me at a time when I least expected it, that year I was suffering from a Tumor. I was in extreme dissociatiation with my body, I had painfully had to let go of certain members of my family that I loved the most. The Ones I thought understood and would Love me through and Through. But in this time I was becoming aware and accepting that there was severe abuse here too. I couldn't see it before. They gave me shelter, food, and laughs. A love I thought was real. My life was falling apart, and was crumbling, and then they Came. Left wing, I didn't expect it.

I have been in Advanced Level of Hells Limbo since.
My suicidal Ideation and Paranoia has been at its worst in over 10 years. For anyone who knows, when you have crossed the Line to Ideation, to wanting to Die, and not wanting to be here, it is very hard to fight yourself back. Its like you're in a Well and there is no light above. No matter what rope you try to chuck down there, no matter how many tools you've used to get back up.

These last years, I have searched Deeply and Immensly into the Windows of Heaven, and Hell, searching for any moment of Connection to still Remain to Exist Here.

I have fought and sat with my Demons in every Manner I possibly can, in attempt to feel Something. Frozen in Fear of being Killed. I still don't recognise myself.
I feel like something has changed in me. It's like the lights has gone out in my Spirit. She's there still fighting, but my Ability to Function like I used to is just so far away.

This last Year I had to force myself to Remember. Searching for an Answer.
For Hope.
To remember when my Heart was open.
I searched and practised the act of Rememebering. .

HAD TO PRACTISE THE ACT OF REMEMBERING.

REMEMBERING IF THERE WAS EVEN AN SPRINKLE OF A MEMORY WHERE I WASN'T IN SUFFERING. GOD KNOWS this ACT OF REMEMBERANCE, has been what i've been holding onto.

Daily I was experiencing Pain. Questioning my purpose, if there was any memory when my heart had beaten strongly in love. It was a difficult practise but I tried.

It was when I was with People. When I was in Human Connection. When I was with Others, witnessng the Sheer Beauty of Human Beings and their exquisite Hearts. It was when I was Connected with Community and when I was submerged in Nature. My memories of Guatemala came to me, the bird songs, the water, the flowers and their abundance, their smells, their Beauty. The Beauty, whether it be Lakes, Volcanoes, Jungle, or Beach. I was in Utter Awe of Of Creation.

It was when I was Performing, Writing, Creating, Collaborating, Teaching, Dancing, and Flirting with Life. I found my Heart to always be full when I organised Poetry shows.

It was teaching Womb Workshops, and the Womxn who would email me or message me that their menstrual cycle had returned after attending my workshops or courses. They had successfully come of birth control, and had gained sovereignty in their womb health.
.

It was when I was submerged in Nature. When I was bought Back to Life by Trees, and the Ocean. By Volcanoes, by the Water. By the complexities of Insects and Flowers and Scent. It was when I was Connected to God-Universe-Love.

So I've decided to Fight, for this, this Project, that I realise is bigger than Me. These things that make my heart roar, I am going to try. To etch a Future out for my self. One that Follows my Heart and Community.
So this is That.

I hope it works out, and I survive

PAIN

5 years ago, I reached a state of suicide I had not before ever reached. Or at least. My mental capacity to cope, were at the mere thin edges of reality. I was holding on by a mm. I had been here before emotionally, but the light had run out. I couldn’t find it. I was looking for it. With all my Might. But I couldn’t find it. Hell was here, the Black had come, the pain was immeasurable. I couldn’t find the light, even though I was fighting with all my might. Trying to Survive. Trying to Fight the Pain away. Trying to Surrender the Pain Away. Praying the Pain Away. Therapy the Pain Away. Try to work the Pain Away. Trying to analyse. To Feel. To Heal. To Cry. To Grieve. To Surrender. To Feel. To Experience the Wound.

When you’re Wailing there. All Alone. For 23 years. Stuck. In a Room. Alone. Stuck with 2 younger Brothers. Who I had to Protect them from being Killed too. She was Violent. She was Frightening. She was the Monster that hunted on every single mm of my flesh, bones. The pain she has left is still leaking on this cursed path im on, this pain, this stream of pain, that feels unending. This Grief. How she Slashed every Face of Mine.

I was a kid, I wanted my Mum, I wanted Love. I even Gave it Up. I gave it up at 13. I Gave up the Love. Not getting Killed was the Priority. Safety of my Brothers was the priority. Me and my Brothers, stuck in a Hells Kingdom, Level : The Strongest Pressures from The Darkness. Where we all wanted to die before we wanted to Live. Stuck. Fearful. My Body Stuck.

SOIL

They made me Forget my Life Mattered, and I am still Trying to Remember.
These Systems in Which we Live in do not want to Support Humanity nor Community.

But I believe that Maybe Love is Stronger.

They Almost got me yo. Silenced Me. They almost got what they set out to do. No, i’m not dead, but I became Silent. They killed my Spirit. I fled my home, my city, I fled my people and loved ones. I isolated. I hid. I stopped performing. I couldn’t work. I stopped functioning like a normal human. When your life is at threat, when people are after you, its like your whole body and mind breaks away. Simply frozen out of fear of being killed again. The constant threat of being killed or having acid thrown on me. I couldn’t work, couldn’t socialise, couldn’t sleep. I had to go offline, had to unpublish everything and anything that showed any existence of me from the online space. Had to remove my existence from the World.

———-

. I grew up mainly ISOLATED FOR THE MOST PART OF MY UPBRINGING, ABUSED, BEATEN, STARVED, RELIGIOUSLY ABUSED, PSYCHOLOGICALLY MANIPULATED, HUMILIATED. had EVERY INCH OF ME UNDER SCRUTINY ON AN HOURLY BASIS.

I was SILENCED. was TOLD TO KEEP ALL THE ABUSE A SECRET. A LIE.

was too close to BEing KILLED CONSISTENtLY THROUGH CHILDHOOD, NEVER KNOWING IF I WOULD SEE ANOTHER DAY. EVERY BIRTHDAY BEING A SHOCK. THROUGH LIVING IN WHAT I NOW UNDERSTAND AS A CULT.
I was and am still OBSESSIVELY STALKED BY MY COUSINS, AUNTIES, AND extended family members
. They had fOLLOWED me to the netherlands.

i was in shock. I froze. panicked.

Knew what this could lead to

why else were they there?

my whole family has participated in remaining SILENT in the face of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, in every kind of domestic violence you can imagine, and in all different structures in marraige.
i have wateched MODERN DAY SLAVERY UNDER WHICH ELECTRICITY AND GAS WOULD NOT EVEN BE AVAILABLE, PHYSICAL TORTURE, PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE, SPIRITUAL ABUSE, BLACK-MAGIC, SEXUAL ABUSE THROUGHOUT THE FAMILY HIDDEN, ABUSE OF CHILDREN, SHAM MARRiAGES, CHILD MARriaGES, FRAUD, CONTROL OF MONEY, GAMBLING PROBLEMS, ALCOHOLICS, PEODAPHILES, SEXUAL ABUSE, DRUG ABUSE, STALKING, CHEATING, CONSTANT LYING.

we all had CHRONIC health ISSUES. THere was so much LOSS, O MANY MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY, AND FRIENDS just constantly at the hospital, or just people dropping dead like flies,

one after the other

I began stripping myself –

im continuing to strip and learn the ways in which i’ve been conditioned in

WATER

SO tHIS IS MY RESISTANCE

I WILL CREATE & CONNECT

I WILL REMEMBER LOVE

I WILL BE LOVE

I WILL REMEMBER LOVE,
REMEMBER SOURCE

(REMEMBER GOD /- LOVE )
THE INTERCONNECTEDNESS oF IT ALL

I DON'T WANT TO DIE

AS ANOTHER BROWN WOMAN KILLED IN SILENCE

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANOTHER PERSON OF
COLOUR DEAD WITHOUT

TONGUE OR BODY

SO THIS IS ME

SURRENDERING TO THE DIVINE

FOR NOTHING ELSE SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE

MY ATTEMPT TO REMEMBER WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN THIS LIFE

NATURE

HUMAN CONNECTION

THIS IS

FOR FREEDOM

I WILL DIE FOR THIS.

I WILL LIVE FOR THIS.

THIS IS MY SURRENDER TO THE MARVELS OF CREATION

TO LOVE

FOR GOD

FLOWERS

I’ve made it to the Other Side. I am grieving, I am confused, I haven’t felt suicidal in a few months. These last weeks have been difficult. The thoughts are creeping back, I’m grieving. I’m finding my mind hurting, worried over this familiar feeling: pain, this unending void.

But I am also, in awe of Beauty here. The Flowers are Alive here, the Green is Abundant, the Moon shines on me at Night, I am walking, I am Moving. I am Grieving from the Waters that are purging me here. These blue, green, and stromalites, the depth of the Water, bring up the emotions that have been hidden so deep inside of me. I haven’t felt sucicidal like I used to. I see the blooming of a flower or so. I made it out. I made it out the depression. I am in Pain. But I am here. Still, with a torn heart, with flaps open, open wounds. I’m still burning, but I am smiling also. I’m choosing to fight the thoughts. I am allowing myself to grieve. I am grieving love.

I remember this project. I remember this thing i’ve held onto this whole time and I think I gotta keep fighting.