A topic not spoken enough within Asian communities is the discussion of abuse in marraiges. We pride ourselves in our riches on our wedding days, adorned in Gold and embroided clothes costing more than houses, we often don’t focus on whats going on behind closed doors. Its usually common for the woman to remain in the broken relationship for the sake of family respect and for their children. “Stay for your children”. “What will the people say”. Often families forgetting at what expense they put their daughters through. Abusive relationships are hidden truths that makeup many marriages among women of colour. Yet we remain quiet, we remain silent, we remain muted. Whether it’s from the partners themselves or from in laws, family respect pays a heavy price on our souls.
An open dialogue of moving forward and speaking about abuse within our community is a small step but holds great impact in the long run. It is very common that amongst our cultures we remain silent, n matters of the family, on matters of marraige. We find ourselves going against our own bodies, aigainst our own will to protect the respect that is stated within family. But we almost find ourselves breaking ourselves down entirely for a man, or a woman to please them, to ensure that they are fine. We will find ourselves breaking our backs, our bellys full, despite knowing what is wrong we go ahead and continue to fight for marraiges and homes which are broken. We women, aching backs, full bellys find ourselves leaning into a love that isn’t meant for us. A love that doesn’t want us and yet does not even deserve us.
I’ve noticed how usually abuse starts with minor things, with the options of clothing, and silent uttering of how the woman thinks and speaks, this then escalates violently into something bigger than what we could ever think. Something that engulfs the women whole, and leaves her vulnerable. Unfortunately as women of colour we always find a reason to lift up and carry on, remaining silent warriors. I don’t know where this act comes from, maybe its in our blood, maybe its the traditions of ancestors that came before us. Or maybe more so its to do with unidealistic ideas of respect that have been preserved from a culture that needs to change and progress. Too many have died both physically and mentally at the hands of this so called respect.
Where the concept of an abusive controlling husbands stems from is hard to pin point. Is it the Functionalist perspective that serves the function of keeping the woman at home, and homing in on the traditional gender roles, maintaining the nuclear family? Is it just our communties who are trying to preserve tradition. It is apparent to say as times are changing, the role of the woman and man in the home has definitly changed and adjusted to suit everyones needs and wants in life. The woman and man both have a say in how their relationship will work and how it will function in the family home. A lot of grandparents and In Laws expect this type of behaviour, for the woman to stay at home, men going for work, after marraige their next step is to ensure they have a child ect. The list goes on. Its like from youth you are told not to talk to guys, never to date, never to have a boyfriend and then 20 hits and suddenly you’re expected to have a marraige, not only with the man, but him and his whole family. This can be quite a challenge especially as a woman of colour, though in my experience most my friends have always been guys throughout my life, approaching the idea of love scared me to my core.
This mentality of Woman staying in the home has to change. The ideology of listening to whatever your In Laws and husbands say for the sake of the family, is absurd to me. In the public eye, though of course we will never know the truth between Amir Khan and his wife Faryal Makhdoom, or judge the matter of whats going on, but we can clearly see the constraints of In Laws and modern family life. I was happy when both of them spoke out, though it became messy, it was apparent there was problems that were occuring. Sadly Having seen several families break apart and stay together, I have not yet seen one sucessful marraige in the community that I live in. Thats not to say its vice versa, where the man has been oppressed by the woman, and the woman has manipulated him into being the weak one who obeys out of no choice. A number of issues, thoughts and issues come to the surface when trying to stem where this abuse/control come’s into play. Where is it taught to us? Where do we learn it from? Do we see only that within our own communities that we also too keep the tradition. Those who didn’t have freedom then implement it further to prevent anyone else recieving freedom? Where do we learn such rigid behaviours? Those who change and don’t continue, why do they do so? Is this generation changing, and to those who don’t, why is that? Does this frighten me, and has this now become an archetype for marraige. I fear love but want to love. All I have seen is broken, but yet I still have hope that things have changed for this generation of kids.
I feel as though healthy relationships and love should be part of the curriculum during School, and should be a big element of Family time. Something that should be discussed within a safe family environment both to Men and Women. To understand the underlying factors, from the literal root before the children have even left the home they get an understanding of loving relationships. The courage it takes to step up for whats right takes years. Many women remain silenced for many years, abused for so many years, despite knowing what is right. Unfortunatley alot of people do not have the financial viability to leave marraiges, sometimes they are not even aware of what is happening to them until they are so far deep into it. Then comes Divorce. Those who actually have the power to leave their partner. Whats sad is that within South Asian Communities the idea of Divorce despite being more and more common, is still a very taboo area of dialogue. Whats sad is that alot of the time, or so personally the schooling these women and men get when approaching the idea of Divorce, “Oh no, it will get better”, “You’ve been together for so long, just pray”, “Keep trying, you’re not trying hard enough”. It shocks me, because divorce undoubtly plays a mighty weight on the soul, breaking up a union of two lovers is needless to say a tragic ending. To then have the weight of the community weighing down with their judgmenet and opinions on how she must be a bad woman and man saddens me.
My main aim of this Photoshoot Project below was to demonstrate the idea of all that can be hidden behind the “Veils” of a Bride. That behind the plain shot of an eye, trauma can be occuring and we wouldn’t even know.
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Charities such as Aanchal – http://www.prosperoworld.org/pages/Aanchal.aspx, are local in London and work in South Asian Communities facing domestic abuse. They provide services across the UK and have a helpline. they provide emergency help and counselling for those in need.