what can I say?
Love, in its fragments,
has stripped me thin,
left me with glass shards,
across chest which had already been bleeding,
wound upon wound,
Tormenting me,
left me searching,
outside of myself,
wondering if my insides were enough,
glass shards,
scraping my cheeks,
gouging my eyes,
eyes, bleeding for love,
looking, like the romantic I am,
never seeking,
just looking, knowing,
Knowing of more in my bLood,
Knowing that my Love is vast as the Ocean,
Eyes Wide Open,
to encounter different exchanges
which taught me so much,
about self,
about love that was not love
other times Love has shown its face,
and shown me where I was empty,
Seeking all the Things I never had,
From Men and Women,
who Could never Give,
From Mother who began hurting me,
before I could even speak,
Unwanted,
before words could form sentences,
So I sought for its Face,
Wanted to Tend to the Death in the Garden,
and So I Did,
Discovered the roots of the Mould,
The Undergarments of the house was Soiled,
Missing Walls,
Holes across the floors,
Giant Chunks of Memory Vanished,
There was no Ceiling,
No Covering,
Attacked I was,
in the Dark,
Thought that there could be no building upon the House,
Thought I was hollowed out,
From the Heart that was in Anguish,
I had Lost them,
They were Right there in Front of my Eyes,
The Ones closest to Me,
My Blood, My Skin,
My Hair,
My Loves,
Mere Hundaan*
Could not understand why my Being caused such a Riot,
A Rebellion, formed from merely existing,
I slept in the Grave of my Grieving Body,
The One stripped into Silence,
Through Fear and Vulgarities spoken by those Not Knowing,
I think they knew,
Because they Still Pray over Me the Same,
In Envy,
In Marking my Body of things that do not belong to me,
Cursing me, and that which extends from Me,
Not a Spell Missed,
not a Taweez* not formed in my Name,
I Slept with them,
In their bedrooms and homes,
We shared Meals together,
My Dying Body,
and her broken Heart,
We wept over the many Graves together,
They saw them take my Dad,
How everyone was taken from Me,
Isolated,
They Knew her Power to Hurt,
her Power to Kill,
and Still,
They were Complicit.
They Partook in the Beating of Body,
The Face,
Left with Scars unimaginable,
Isolation.
Then One Day I Left.
Tried to Get Safe,
Tried to Stop the Assaults,
Now,
I Fight for that which is inherently Part of Me,
Love and Light,
But in its Purity,
I choose for Truth,
I choose myself now,
in the face of bullshit,
I choose Peace even when the Lights are Out,
Love,
set with Rich Intention starts to seep in,
The Gushing Light which Pours from every Window of the Room,
Miracles flooding,
like Mangoes and Toronjas rich in their orange and yellow,
How they feed us in their Sweetness and bitterness,
Refreshing to the mouth like Guayabas,
Pink on the inside,
like the flesh of a Woman,
Love,
arriving in Abundance,
I, Flirt, Again,
Finally, Flirting, as it feeds my Being,
like Electricity Fruit overflowing from Lips and Cheeks,
Smiles in every Corner, Fulfilling Me,
in the Discovery of Self,
The Carousel Spins,
Forms a Dance,
I throw the Dice on the Ground,
I thump my Feet on the Ground,
To attempt to awaken her Spirit again,
So She can Fight,
I Relight the Fire, I nurture her Flames,
Give her Wood, allow her to Breathe,
I Offer her my Pain,
Give the Curses to the Fire,
I Dance for her to Awaken,
Force the Spirit to Fight,
For Love to flourish,
I seek Self with Pleasure,
I Dismantle the Bones,
I seek Peace.
I Disrupt Time and Space if it doesn’t bring me Tranquillity,
now when I start to Get ill,
I close the Door quickly,
Suicide is on my Side,
and wants me Dead,
So I fight for Life.
I ponder on Ripe Love, and I wonder
Kinna Sona Rabb ne banaya*
Urdu
*haandaan =the community
*Taweez = Talisman
*Kinna Sonna Rabb ne banaya – how beautiful God has made us(