The tyrant inside of me is tired
No energy to fight
I was once a fighter
A believer a dreamer
I was once all these things
My father once laid out his palms
Fingerprints etched in wisdom and glory
Layed them over mine
Painted a map into my eyes
And told me that once he left
I would have the stars to call to
That the moon is the protector
That God is the only provider
And if I listen to his call
It would echo through back to him
But See God I’ve been calling to you for some time now
I’ve been dismissing your call for the last year now
How dare I
A woman painted in sin and guilt
Bow down in prostration to you
They say you forgive
But how can you, ar rahman, the most merciful, ar Rahim, rhe most benevolent, ar Razaq the provider, ar Ghaffer the Forgiven
Grant my forgiveness
And forgive me Father
For I have sinned
Understand that I begged for you in the nights my lungs lay collapsed in oceans full of sorrows
Lay in dirty laundry of what was this abuse
This abuse which lasted over 2 decades
It seems only a life time ago I was told of you through fear
My arms lay limp now
They do not act like weapons at a battle ground anymore
My shattered ribs tell a different story
Bruises lay in, my skin refusing to leave
My body does not have to fight back now
I do not have to try to play this game of pretend any longer
I do not have to burn my tongue, to hide from the truth any longer
My internal demons still play jakyl and Hyde
Nights where I lay awake, eyes blind from the truth
I do not feel like a survivor
If not a competer in this game called life
So when there’s days where I cannot form sentences
Or when you feel this silence
When yousee this absent soul crying
Do not look away in shame
Do not look away in disgust
They are the true survivors
Those who are buried under rubble and trouble
7 feet under
Finding a reason to live even when know they are already dead
Those are the true survivors
Those who still fight
When they have notbing to give
Those people
Those are Gods people