Mother #2
They say I have a child now,
A small being, with its own thoughts and senses
Things that I have not yet managed myself
And now, an innocent soul is now embodied into existence in this world.
A small human, no harm has even caressed the skin
The devil didn’t whisper in her hear, she didn’t come out crying
She was silent, maybe she knew what was coming
10 little diddy fingers, latching onto my own skin with all her might
Only a baby, now with tissue like skin lays here
Waiting to drown in my own Sorrows,
But it happens anyway,
It continues
I leave her food in the morning,
Prepared in cling film, a packaging similar to that of his heart,
Thin, withering,
and maybe a note to remind him that I am here, that I do care
But on days where it’s just not enough ,
I can see it in his eyes,
Her swollen eyes, dark red from tears, now blotted yellow have appeared in her irises
She says she cannot take it anymore,
Her body aching, littered in bruises, and marks on her mind
I see it,
I see that her precious mind is exhausted from the inside,
from the heartbreak I have inflicted onto her,
But Darling,
I do not wish harm on you,
It’s just my brain scavenges to hurt
I can’t control this ticking in my head, I can’t control my hands anymore
The bruises I lay on you are just my gift this body gives to you
There is no excuse to justify any of this
But it’s just my head you see, its broken
With Him gone, I have nothing,
I have nothing but God to save me,
My life now revolves around him, like a crutch
A physical crutch,
I place all that is God around the house
Ornaments, the holy books, prayer beads
Prayer mats spread around the house like rugs
I have found my world in him ,
So I neglect you,
I cannot find time for you,
My mind ticking I find mistakes in all parts of you
Your body is broken in every sense,
I try to erase it out of your skin,
Leaving only more marks
A mauled mouth with words that only leave a disgrace,
Your legs walk you to sin,
You are an abomination according to my heart,
No explanation as to why
You have only ever craved love from me,
Something I cannot give,
Something I am absent from
But I do love you
Oh daughter do you not know my curses that run from my tongue are like turrets’
I don’t wish this curse on anyone,
Now my kids do not speak to me,
She doesn’t look at me anymore,
I nearly killed her last week,
Nearly took her life with the pillow,
Her brother saved her,
Confusion lies within his brain
How dare you do this Ma?
Did you not give life to her?
Did you not carry her swollen over in pain for nine months,
Did you not sacrifice your body for all this her?
She doesn’t speak anymore,
I have told her to lie too many times,
Her chest has closed up,
Mouth zipped up, eyes drooping
Only a black hole remains,
Sucking all that was ever good
Even her skin has no colour in it,
I’ve managed to break all that was sacred to her,
I hear her stomach’s disintegrating now,
With ulcers and hernia’s I have no words to understand
Seems like her migraines don’t stop
Her joints are weak,
A mind that plays Jackyl and Hyde
They say the pain won’t stop
The Doctors can’t help her
They say maybe someone casted black magic onto those tiny 10 fingers
I sit enjoying what I have inflicted.
Maybe its me,
Inked into my hands is this curse,
Leaked into my blood is this curse
My mouth is shaped as a curse,
My organs pulsate on the tune of this curse
I am a curse.
I call her a Sin ,
But she calls me the Sinner
But I love her.