Some days I get suspended into relapse,
The sadness overthrows me,
Like that of a kingdom being overthrown by its enemy,
For days its as though blank ink floods out of my mouth,
My insides laid on the table,
A feast cooked in the darkest of vacuums,
All my limbs exhausted,
Noone can observe,
Only my eyes tell the truth,
and even then,
I am the liar who fools,
All I wish is to be held,
In times of distraught,
I see myself from the outside,
Wonder how peaceful it would be if death came my way,
Swept me off my feet into oblivion,
How this grief that has manifested itself,
Like a spiderweb, caught in the stick of it,
Finding space to move, and still blindly getting stuck,
I have removed myself,
Time and time again,
From the dark shadows,
Created the pot, of which I alchemised heaven from hell,
I wonder what it would be like,
To not feel so displaced, in this living body,
and that which surrounds me,
this earth, mud, grit and broken hearts,
I wish I did not desire something that is so unattainable,
The elusive moments of if it was ever good,
My family, the cursed Razaks and all that stemmed from it,
The knots in our lovers hearts,
How we have all become heartless and homeless,
I wish I could take a pill,
To grieve up the past,
Vomit it out,
It seems these days thats all I do, vomit up the hurt,
Leak out tears,
But the grief is unending,
A map in all its trail, most of which I forget,
Only until I see a sign and I am launched into transgression,
A recollection of all that was lived in through my skin, all that I saw,
The tears that fell then, still fall now,
Normal is what I wish to be,
But never can,
To have a home,
But never will,
Wish I could give up the memories,
the anguish, the grief,
the pain,
the lack of home,
Even miles away they say no words,
I gave them up,
in offering of growth,
But this silence is demonic
I could form paintings from the dejection,
One day,
I will paint with my own blood,
They will display it at my funeral,
Me and all my red,
My heart,
An aching heart.
I am learning how to live all over again,
Noone told me it would be so tiring.