rain reminds us to wash away the bad,
so showering has become a ritual,
a purging of body that washes down the drain,
the efferevescent colouring of my skin,
dimmed because winter turned the light off,
not only in the sky, but my eyes have become darker,
my insides have turned off for hibernation,
but the city around me forces me to stay awake,
when all my body wishes is sleep,
a rest from the quivering state of my soul,
my eyes have cried more in January then in any other month,
a purging for four weeks,
needles and hands have kneaded out more trrauma in the past month than any other healing has done,
but the pace is all wrong,
juggling my priorities as I watch the walls of my house collapse around me,
what is home?
did I ever have one, would I have ever called anything more than a house,
why is that are families are chosen for us?
Bound by blood in the worst way, as it seems they let us bleed the most,
others patch us up in hope our true nature will return,
I have given up on those that do not benefit me, only harm me in wonderous ways,
I wonder what keeps them in one place? Why they stay in these false realities and boxes,
false hopes and dreams in a glass pyramid,
I see it all,
eyes glazed wanting to shatter myself,
but I am grateful,
for being alone,
otherwise I would be like them ,
what worse of a sin could I achieve?
and maybe they will go to heaven, and me hell,
but the curses that shade my tongue are only words,
I sometimes wonder if my Ama was ever real,
was she a fantasy I created to keep me sane?
or did she really have a false womb in which I was born out of?
a heart that truly loved me,
this time last year I grew my first ever smile,
the smile remained on my face until this winter arrived,
I am not sure what trials are ahead of me,
but these tears must stop,
Today I woke up with hope,
with a fire in my step,
with ambition,
I will grow.