This is a tragedy
I am on a rollercoaster , whilst I have handed my eyes to another,
My hands encased in his.
Or am I grabbing in desperation?
Like a child to a Parent,
I can’t tell which Deck of cards im playing with,
He tells me to wash my eyes , look again,
But I have seen both sides,
I have seen the several paths weaved together,
My eyes have worn the sight of others , all walks of life have visited,
Though the body expands in its growing,
Like a heart in a chest, the collapse is mighty,
The exhale should be full of relief,
Mine are sighs, more noticeable when I am under attack,
The waves crashing amongst my Skin,
It seems I’m melting away in the absence of compassion,
The absence of empathy,
A heart ,
To know that your feet are not the only ones that have walked,
That your life is not the only that has lived ,
To give space for obscurity,
I am acknowledging those in my life whose presence has been most valuable
Those who gave time,
Silence was enough.
I am in the devil’s playground again,
Faced with the face of strength questioning my every move,
My health is not real he says,
My mother used to say the same,
Used to tell me God was punishing me for my intentions,
But He.
He tells me it’s growth,
I am sure he is right but,
Time is a gift that I wish to hold onto right now,
Time allows me to wash myself in the sinless water,
I get to see myself in the water
They all ask why I don’t jump in,
I am waiting ,
For the lake to call me,
They don’t realise the fear I have jammed inside my limbs,
My sadness is soaring from the unknown attacks he has poked into me,
Why do I care so much about the opinion of someone I don’t know?
I wonder how my body would’ve formulated had it not been for her,
How my mind would be full of pink in the spring and lillys growing in bountiful nature,
How roses would spew from my mouth,
I wonder about then.
Write now I am tongue tied,
Helpless, putting pieces of my identity together,
Wondering what if,
No Ameera. All you have is now,
By the end of writing this,
I realise it’s a lie ,
It’s only me and my own brain skewed,
All he has ever said is for growth
He says his truth
His incapacity of emotions is not my problem
The words that leave his mouth most times are factual,
I have a hard time putting together my identity , piecing together pieces of the puzzle
, There is no instruction guide for me
I have gone in blind to a game I pressed Start on,
I am lost, I don’t know what I want.
On days like this ,
The feeling of wanting to finish return,
Whilst wishing I was normal ,
Wishing I had not been locked up away , starved and beaten,
Wish it was all a dream,
I think it would be easier for it to all end.
This growing is tiring.