It is difficult, to express my gratitude and how apologetic I am to my friends for me being in my current state of mind. To keep friendships ongoing, whilst wanting to die. How embarrassed I am to face my friends, to lean on them. I feel my suffering is so heavy, that I cannot share it anymore. My friends must be tired of me, I apologise, I hesitate to share my headspace. I want to be happy. How I used to be, bringing laughter into the room. Everyone knew me as the happy girl, eating apples.
Now, I cannot recognise my own face, I can’t look at myself, all I see is death in me. I try to smile in their faces, dance, I have begun lying. I have shown so much of my pain, how exhausting it must be, to be friends with someone who is surrounded by death.
Although I wish not to die anymore, I just am tired. There is so much to process. So much to unlearn, and so much to understand. I have for the first time in my life, have space to just ‘be’. Something so absurd. My body is ill, and I am tired. Finding purpose.
How do I explain how sorry I am?
How can I bring joy to their lives?