I don’t have anymore words for them,
Knowing that I will never be enough for my own blood,
I am inherently wrong,
In every play acted out,
I find myself the victim,
Always cut in the wrong way,
My hinges and handles shaped in all it’s obscurities,
Bent and moulded to fit their shapes,
Yet, I am the abomination I am,
born broken,
heart wrecked and ripped from chest,
yes I have changed,
only to save myself,
maybe they don’t understand the intricacies of what has happened to my body,
my minds eye has awoken, in effort to protect,,
Imagine being born wrong,
Existence depleted from birth,
A girl child, rather be a boy so at least marriage is not an option,
Marriage they say, will fix me,
Will be the resolving factor of all my troubles,
What a joke of a life,
to live a life in love with a lie,
to love a lie,
in marraige, an abomination of a matrimony..
Again no words, could be put on paper, to explain,
how I would rather be amongst the energies of death,
free from this vortex we called life,
my frame not fit for me to exist anymore,
they must think I have changed out of option,
but only the torture of my mother made me like this,
only oppression, rules, only tough love they say,
they say its from love,
they say,
they keep talking,
so many words,
thrown in effort to save this burning cave,
I am hiding at the back, in the dark,
wondering if the light will shine on my face again,
how can I tell them that this repeating story of returning to my mother is not a sign of love,
how can I trust them, the people that saved me, loved me,
I am frail now, how can I tell them,
the fire is coming to its end,
that my womb is broken now,
I find myself carrying my dead body on my back,
dragging this carcass with me everywhere I go,
With dresses, femininity radiating, I face the world,
pretending this weight is light,
my soul is weeping,
I am so scared,
body shaking while writing this,
the fear of every words that leaves their mouths,
the same people I thought I could never leave,
I find myself hiding from
I am so afraid that I will die from this,
and they will never even know,
how much I loved them,
how I also broke myself into pieces for them,
told myself lies,
for them,
how in effort to bring myself back to life,
I had to leave.
Now I am left,
putting my bones back together,
they want to help,
but I cannot let them.
Someone send Malak-al-Mawt my way.