bloody brain,
heave, and then breathe,
remind myself that this state is not permanent,
transient behaviour,
forever moving,
it seems my imprinting stage during childhood is tainted,
so I begin reflecting and changing,
on changes that seem to have stuck,
like stubborn rubber that does not want to be burnt,
now only leaves ghastly smell,
they said what they taught was full of flowers and respect,
yet what I realised now is that they never respected themselves,
only slaves to a system,
they bought it upon a china plate,
with chai and cake rusks,
while the rest of the room was a ruins,
a bomb site was left,
but all they did was smile,
with white gloves and white teeth,
broken ribs,
but as a child I still stuck out hand to take lollipops,
because at least the sweetness was better than the dark clouds which had formed over my bedroom,
my night sky decided to remain,
there was no sun,
black clothes, with clouded vision,
so now,
when things get out of balance,
and the weights play limbo,
I fall out of rhythm,
despite all the change,
I feel in a frenzy,
attempting to make decisions that do not have to be made,
wanting to know answers to questions that do not have to be asked
I am running towards the abyss,
when all I have had is streaming light,
but while light shines brightly l
light shines upon shadows,
makes them appear in all times, shapes, spaces,
I have started to learn from the shadows now,
the behaviour that occurs during these times,
my friends say its growing pains,
but I feel an urgency to make decisions,
to what to know what is going on and how it will pan out
I want to feel loved again,
the way Ama used to love me,
I want to know that it will be okay,
even if it seems like I have no place anymore,
Normally I rely on the universe,
its power a way of manifesting and creating health,
letting things fall into places,
but now the hinges are falling,
a door I am trying to keep up…
I feel like I want to leap into clouds which are safe
safety net for the hurt,
I just want to call her,
with no soundboard there is nothing to relay back to,
nothing to ask questions to,
nothing to have answers to,
just me and the universe,
and its so cold.