I become intoxicated,
With the lock of his eyes,
Eye to eye,
Like handle to hand,
How our shapes fit so comfortably,
pieces together like jigsaw,
and how his fingers would hold mine,
intoxication from his smell,
a fragrance embedded into his skin,
an embrace which would feel like home,
from the touch of his lips on mine,
it was if wine was dripping,
and grapes were being fed to me in Summer,
With strawberries pouring from the sky,
His perfect smile,
To his porcelain skin,
on which I could caress for hours,
his curls that curtained his face,
the dreadlocks which weighed heavy in love,
but this was only just an idea,
a simple thought,
a game I got played in,
ran it through my head,
I made it up, a fantasy,
a spectre,
for the man I wanted wasn’t ready yet,
instead I met his younger self,
a sharp face,
but a lost mind,
He was never intoxicated with me,
also only the idea of me,
instead he grew a fire around me,
burnt forests to kill of the plants I seeded,
they took years to grow,
but he wanted a tornado to come tear me down,
Couldn’t have me the way he wanted,
So struck down any goodness he saw,
Wanted me to beg at his feet, to grow as little as he,
Turn me downsize, make me go backwards,
Reverse, play twister with my own head,
He sent a tsunami to come shake the life out of me,
but my Darling forgot that I was grown out of forest fires and waterboarding,
I grew up out of abuse and hatred for self,
I grew up around men who carried their pain in their tongues,
Hands that were used as guards, protection,
toxic masculinity bled into their lives as if bleeding was a prayer,
We had to hide from the men,
had to cloak ourselves from the gazing eyes,
Nobody taught them to not stare,
I grew up around women who disrespected themselves,
Who bore children only to carry on the lies,
So I,
I could never return to a life that is meaningless,
I could never lose my innermost self,
I even began to dream of my grandma,
laughing at the stupidity of it all,
She said ” do you know how good my daughter is?”
I would sit at her feet while we ate,
how could I question my worth?
when I am weighted amongst rubies and gold,
I see him now intoxicated,
Disappointed, is not the word I could surmount this too,
Cannot look him in the eye, or speak a word anymore,
when you love so freely it becomes a norm to care, to hold down the person,
But he intoxicates to be free,
In a world where things are falling
he escapes into a place where things are lighter,
where clouds merge and form a bed of feathers,
but he falls in, his eyes turn clear, unrecognisable
temporarily,
comes out baptised, feels like a high has hit the body,
only to come rolling down a roller coaster,
and begging at my feet,
telling me he loves me,
But he will never know the intoxication I thought we shared,
He will never ask for forgiveness,
And I will never want him to ask it from me,
The trees will have to forgive you,
because they knew you lied,
This too,
is also a lie,
Just a poem,
of fantasy,
Words that don’t mean anything,
I made it all up,
In my head,
But the heart,
She never lies,
Now she weeps,
and grieves,
trying to find the source of her pain,
but not from him,
but because the whole world has gone mad,
this culture where people use vices to relieve the pain,
this culture of drinking and drugs,
of escape,
of not looking deeper,
everywhere I go I see addicts,
even me,
an addiction to love,
of life.