I play games,
on days like this,
I destroy all sense of self,
Project myself into the stars,
Look down and laugh,
I see myself through a third eye,
Laughing at my own tragic tale,
Then I remember,
That this isn’t a movie,
My reality was never a film,
This cinema reel doesn’t stop for me,
There is no pause button.
I still play my own character in this story,
The seasons continue,
As the hour’s pass, months move,
I am the one alone,
This is not fictitious,
I lie to myself and say it will pass,
But the truth is,
This day is spent alone,
Whilst the world surrounds itself with loved ones,
I am with me, myself and I,
and its okay,
Loneliness is a gift for some,
They say the Lord tests us,
So he has taken everyone I loved from me,
As a Test,
He continues to take lives,
And I accept,
Even tested me with those still living,
I understand,
Made a living breathing Mother, an abuser,
Made those who I loved, stay silent in the name of Respect,
A Test,
I couldn’t accept, but I loved too much,
So I forgave them over and over,
Until the Adult in me hurt,
As a child, my test was the abuse,
To see how much my health could deteriorate before someone would take notice,
That didn’t stop and has not stopped
I cannot accept.
My test is the grief,
and I am afraid I am failing,
If there is a Lord,
The universe, the Cosmos,
Tell me why this grief won’t stop?
My insides won’t stop burning,
There is a flood from my eyes,
I have stopped building Dams.