At what point does the land I stand on,
Differ from the one standing on yours,
Is it that we are countries apart?
Hearts that beat different types of blood,
Pump different types of purity within to each other,
Surprising, how I come from you,
How your body came together in another life, to form me,
But you could never quite love me,
Affection was never in your dictionary,
Only used your hands to beat upon my skin for playtime,
Playmobil became a game,
Where I would run to find safety behind doors which were not allowed to be locked.
My hair watched it all,
It carries weight now from all the weeping,
Slicked back and held up,
Because God forbid a girl had her hair down, and liked it like that,
God forbid her ankles showed just an inch
God forbid she spread her legs in front of the uncles in the house,
God forbid anyone sees more than just her wrists,
In what god forsaken house do we have to live with men we are afraid of,
So I continued,
To brave smile on my face,
Bloodied nose,
My mind a war zone,
A dump site for all the ugly things spoken to a young child,
Dump them all one by one,
Made me hate myself to the core,
Made me want to rip my own skin from flesh,
Take my own life,
But then my organs started to die,
One by one, I became a hazard to myself,
Rolling, squealing, hernia, acid,
Groaning, hunger, no doctors visits,
So now,
When I speak to you,
Though I wish you no ill,
Please understand why I lay here confused,
In my own thoughts and body,
In my own freedom of finance and safety,
The confusion of why I should let you back into my life,
When you stole so much already,
And you sit there smiling,
Saying how happy you are for me,
But will you ever know how much I wanted you as a Mother?
Or how I wish you would’ve stopped hurting me.
So now when I am free,
You want to be happy for me,
You see me free and you want to know every detail of how and what and when,
But why now?
What is there for me now?
My only love has died now,
My daddy has died now
Ama has died now
Eid has died now.
We have two waiting on deaths beds,
What now?
Who do I share my happiness with now?
With you?
The one who has given me internal bleeding several times over?
And maybe my family will never understand,
Why I would turn my back against you,
But you left me bloody,
Yet I still want to be kind to you,
I still cannot not love you,
But I still cannot escape the pain you bought me,
Still working through acres of what seem like landfill.
My whole body written in cursives,
You used to call me a sin,
Devils child,
So now
Whatever I choose,
I will make stand by it,
As long as it keeps me happy